The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
