Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
