i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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