he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
