Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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