did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
