DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
