if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
