i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
