I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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