girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
