i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
