Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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