How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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