Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
