Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
