he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
