So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
