i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
