I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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