Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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