Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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