drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
