If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I need to sanitize my soul.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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