Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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