just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
