I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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