John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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