my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Randomize
