the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
