I think my fart just growled at me.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
50% drunk capacity currently
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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