I never want to see another naked old woman again.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
