when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
