Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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