I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You need a sexual gate keeper
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
