my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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