the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
