Where is the hickey?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
