3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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