I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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