Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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