Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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