An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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