somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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