Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
