I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
