He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
