I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
