I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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