i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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