just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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