I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
