I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
