I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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