The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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