I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
