I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
