The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
