So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You made out with two different species that night
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
