I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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