if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
