I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
