I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
