True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
