Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
