Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
